Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?

“Robert”

Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all