I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

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a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week


[on date]
girl: “id like to if i met mr right, how bout you? have you ever been married”
henry the eighth: “our food sure is taking a while”


friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR


Dear karma: perhaps we could be partners? You’re doing great work, but I’ve identified a bunch of people you’ve overlooked.


Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.


“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil

“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented


I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *


What i do in my bedroom is my business, what I do in your bedroom ok I guess that’s your business