I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
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Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
British websites use biscuits.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁