I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
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Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Morning my dudes.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first