@CantWaitToNap

I only order the essentials from Amazon.

*Opens new HD Special Ops Vision Glasses*

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@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

@Shen_the_Bird

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

@TheHyyyype

*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*

*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”

*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”

@UnFitz

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

@NewDadNotes

[in the club]

Me: did it hurt?

Cute Girl: excuse me?

Me: when I kicked you. out on the dance floor. did it hurt?

Cute Girl: yes it did.

Me: once again I am so sorry.

@FeelingEuphoric

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

@Mr_Kapowski

I want to know the backstory of when an eyelash turns evil and says “That’s it. I’m done protecting the eye. I’m going in to destroy it now”

@Alvildalikely

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

@TwinSurvivalist

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]