Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.