I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
🌱🌱🌱
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
A small tragedy.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*