I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

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Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.


I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.


My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.


My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.


I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them


me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that


Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.


*Neighbor text – Sorry for using your wife. Use only when you’re not at home*

*Shoots Wife*

*Neighbor text again – I mean ‘Wifi’ not wife*


I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.