I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying