I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.