I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
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They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire