*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
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I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Mornin
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.