I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”