When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
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[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA