@Midgetspar

I only wanted one Duran.

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@beefman138

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

@TheTobbie

I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it…

@Moldy_Jellybean

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

@HatfieldAnne

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

@kunalkamra88

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

@toriavaa

My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore

@LackOfShame

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.