Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
I only watch French tv shows so my dogs think I’m more cultured than I actually am.
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Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Sometimes I’ll flush a few slices of pizza down the toilet just to let the Ninja Turtles know I miss them
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Oh shit I thought the sliding glass door was closed! Help help!!
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
You don’t see enough ditches these days. If I want to pass out in a ditch I have to google “ditches near me” and look for one with good reviews and it’s a whole thing
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.