My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
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I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close