I only watch “Game of Thrones” because I’m trying catch a background extra wearing a wristwatch.

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I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”


I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.


I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.


Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.


My son has the worst altitude ever. He’s defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.


Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.


*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*


Once I started spending my own money I realized my mom was right…we do got food at home


My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”