JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
You Might Also Like
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Is fructose made with real fruct?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Good point.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.