Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.
Just kidding. I like the show.
And she’s buried in the woods.
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Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.
People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: What’s it like on your planet?
Alien: Very barren, desolate
Me: But no politics?
Me: Ok, let’s go
If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.
You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Wonder Woman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.