I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate