@chagger73

I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex’s body.

Just kidding. I like the show.

And she’s buried in the woods.

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@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

@OutOfLeftField_

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

@DrawingShadows

Going to a bar within walking distance of my house reduces the likelihood that I will wake up partially clothed behind a dumpster tomorrow.

@VancityReynolds

People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.

@pilau

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

@Playing_Dad

[Alien abduction]
Me: What’s it like on your planet?
Alien: Very barren, desolate
Me: But no politics?
Alien: No
Me: Ok, let’s go

@Underchilde

If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground.

@PimpleEye

You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.

@DanMentos

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

@jackiembouvier

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.