I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

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My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease


[tv commercial]
me: “know what i’d love for breakfast?”
mum: “what’s that son?”
me: “if someone pre-chewed my food”
narrator: “porridge”


My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer


On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.


And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.


To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.


One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set


[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six


When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram


Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.