I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.