@FloodyHippie

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

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@LostCatDog

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

@KeetPotato

[tv commercial]
me: “know what i’d love for breakfast?”
mum: “what’s that son?”
me: “if someone pre-chewed my food”
narrator: “porridge”

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@NotthatAdamWest

On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.

@LostFelicia

And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.

@WilliamAder

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

@iamspacegirl

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

@fowlerism

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

@Integrity_Guy

When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram

@smilely_gal

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.