I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
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*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
The options really are this bad
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?