@WheelTod

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

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@UncleDuke1969

“My God, George… your face!”
“Oh no…”
“What’s happening?!?”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”
“JUST RUN HORACE… RUN!!”

@LaziestCanine

“911 what’s your emergency”
IM DYING
“what happened”
I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES
“lol pics or didn’t happen”

@AnnaKendrick47

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

@msmessymist

Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!

@Artemis_Ascends

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

@SkylarGarland

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

@mommy_cusses

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.