“My God, George… your face!”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”
“JUST RUN HORACE… RUN!!”
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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“911 what’s your emergency”
I GOT STABBED LIKE 3 TIMES
“lol pics or didn’t happen”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Whenever I lose a follower I assume they died and the family had the account removed, because hello! I’m amazing!!
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
i love pizza
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.