[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Something Saturday.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper