I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 馃檨
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI鈥檚 daughter: u have a UTI
TI鈥檚 daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I鈥檓 TI
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Can’t stop laughing
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
So last night I had a dream that the guy I鈥檓 crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don鈥檛 look happy.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.