[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
You Might Also Like
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword