if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
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[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Wife: I’m hungry!
Me: I’ll order pizza
Wife: YOU THINK I’M FAT!
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Me: what what??
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
2. All the other idiots