*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

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if you took every species of rattlesnake in the US and laid them end to end, I would yell at a safe distance, “STOP DOING THAT!”


[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit


Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.


The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate


Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?


The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations


Wife: I’m hungry!
Me: I’ll order pizza
Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already?
Wife: WHAT?!
Me: what what??


Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.


Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.


There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots