I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
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Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
He took my last fry, your honor
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”