I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
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Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.