I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

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GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!


Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.


i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities


I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*


Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me: Let’s start this again.


[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…


UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god