I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
They got a point!
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?