I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
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My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym