I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
You Might Also Like
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.