I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

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“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie


Friday night is my weekly time to ponder…which do I hate more: my friends, or having to make new friends?


[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*


Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.


Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.


me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works


The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.


Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea


You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.