me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
You Might Also Like
I want a Times New Roman on the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…
Me, in the DMV waiting room
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Me “I love you.”
My 3yo “Thanks.”
And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.