@CruisinSoozan

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

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@SteveDutzy

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

@fubwat

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

@Sean_Burgundy_

I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way

@MantisBlue

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

@Rollinintheseat

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

@CoolCamel69

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

@YourAnMoron

Me “I love you.”
My 3yo “Thanks.”

And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.

@Cpin42

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.