I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

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me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you


“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”


I hate when I meet a beautiful woman and have to leave bc someone who beat me in a rap battle is walking my way


My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room


[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”


“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*


Me “I love you.”
My 3yo “Thanks.”

And just like that, 4 years of High School memories came flooding back.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.