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@CruisinSoozan: I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
@envydatropic: Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
@dafloydsta: WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
@joeljeffrey: I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
@tyleroakley: The 11th commandment was, "Talk shit, get hit" but God totally didn't have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
@1Happytwit: I'm going commando for Valentines day. He's going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.