@Underchilde

I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.

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@JizzleLizzle

Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look

@BevisSimpson

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

@sip_at_home_mom

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

@hell_doe

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

@Kid_topher

“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”

@MensHumor

Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!

@MichaelLarrick

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

@LurkAtHomeMom

If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.