I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.

You Might Also Like


Got so high last night we searched for my friend for half an hour while he helped us look


To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.


Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.


what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question


“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”


Obviously you don’t think you’re ignorant! That’s the meaning of ignorance!


If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.


If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.