@apollilaire

i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box

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@ibid78

Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.

@mynameshank

Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.

@heyliv_

How do you spell “sawss” as in “spaghetti sawss” ?

@LauraBenanti

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

@ednition

I’m not letting anyone into my head until I’ve cleaned up the place.

@ItsAndyRyan

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

@briangaar

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

@MarfSalvador

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend