i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box

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Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.


Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.


How do you spell “sawss” as in “spaghetti sawss” ?


I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.


I’m not letting anyone into my head until I’ve cleaned up the place.


Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.


If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever


[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*


BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend