Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.
i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: “tell me the meaning of life”. when the door bell rings there’s only an empty box
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Super productive day, I took down all of my neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations.
How do you spell “sawss” as in “spaghetti sawss” ?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I’m not letting anyone into my head until I’ve cleaned up the place.
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
How is tinder still free?