I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
You Might Also Like
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”