“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
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Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall