@TweetPotato314

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

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@ladybroseph

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

@ThePocketJustin

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

@wickedsuga

My cashier at the grocery store bagged the tomatoes with the ketchup and I swear I could hear them screaming.

@LeeryLeary

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

@JohnLyonTweets

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

@Brampersandon_

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

@stevevsninjas

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

@YBMillian21

Hate when i’m singing a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong

@chick_in_kiev

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall