I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
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I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people