@CakeThrottle

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

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@dave_cactus

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

@ThaJawn

*smashes bag of Oreos

*pours on top of salad

@wchoughton

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were.

@Nahdude83

*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*

“WHERE ARE ALL THE DRUGS!”

*slams hands down*

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DID THEM ALL?!”

@junejuly12

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

@AristotlesNZ

So sick of not knowing if a girl’s single. We need a symbol
“Rings?”
Not visible enough
“Screw it, lets put a dot on their foreheads”
-India

@surrealvehicle

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

@TweetsByTheTony

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.