I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
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[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
thinking about a very short hotdog
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.