I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
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[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I identify as an antique shop.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Only a mother’s love …
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home