@chellemybell22

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

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@skittle624

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

@virgiltexas

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

@marcia_bee

Imagine me in bed.

Wrong.

Wetter.

Wrong again.

Wetter.

Wrong AGAIN!

Soaking wet.

This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!

@BallsMcBallski

It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.

@SirEviscerate

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

@AmnesiaRose

I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.

@Everette

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

@theshamingofjay

Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone.

When did you get electricity in your cave?

@trgrrl

me: hurt me

her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived

me: n-no…

her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends

me: stop

@GrantTanaka

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy