if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
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ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.