I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
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hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die