@OldSpookMan

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

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@AmishPornStar1

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

@Nindoonjibaa

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

@D2BMcG

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

@TheHyyyype

me: can you check my math homework?

guard: what

me: is this not a correctional facility

@Darlainky

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

@mommy_cusses

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

@ActualHuman01

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

@tchrquotes

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

@simoncholland

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*