I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
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restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Life is a suicide mission.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.