I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

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Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?


It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.


My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.


Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.


me: can you check my math homework?

guard: what

me: is this not a correctional facility


Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋


*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.


[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit


Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.


*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*