Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
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Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
she has a point
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.