@Eric_Bader

I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.

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@OfficeofSteve

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

@ohpeetie

Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.

@MichaelTrying

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

@BeingDBEAST

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

@wx388

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

@IndecisiveJones

shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!

@thestlouisan

I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.

@SonOfCha

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

@LuvPug

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?