I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.

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You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner


Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.


As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”


Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!


Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot


shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants

me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!


I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.


It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.


*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?