Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.