You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.
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Teaching my 9yo to sew. She’s going to make a great wife to someone in 1836.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?