I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
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You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Has science gone too far?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.