I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
You Might Also Like
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor