I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
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Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
mariah carrie
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…