I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
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sigh
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”