I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

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I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.


Imagine me in bed.



Wrong again.


Wrong AGAIN!

Soaking wet.

This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!


Never once in my life have I ever met a dentist in a social situation randomly somewhere outside of a dentist’s office. Think about it.


Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy


A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.


I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich


My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.


Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce