@Talk_To_The_Hat

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

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@Sarcasticsapien

I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.

@marcia_bee

Imagine me in bed.

Wrong.

Wetter.

Wrong again.

Wetter.

Wrong AGAIN!

Soaking wet.

This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!

@Bob_Janke

Never once in my life have I ever met a dentist in a social situation randomly somewhere outside of a dentist’s office. Think about it.

@AbbieEvansXO

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

@WilliamHale1

A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.

He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.

@dumbbeezie

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@KatieKatCubs

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

@iinkedZombie

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce