I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too