I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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Imagine me in bed.
This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!
Never once in my life have I ever met a dentist in a social situation randomly somewhere outside of a dentist’s office. Think about it.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce