I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
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The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”