I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
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Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.