I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“our sushi is very fresh”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes